Brief history of a heart

This is from a newsletter I wrote in January 2017.
I never really knew why following my heart seemed so important, it was just a deep urge, also because I recognised that, at the time, it was missing from my life. After I felt that my life had been saved in a way, I also felt that I owed this commitment to the one who had given so much to do so, for believing in me and to life itself for a new beginning.  Then it was following my heart that restored me to health, well being and finally gave me a sense that I was actually living, not somehow on the outside of life but right in the middle, in the epicentre. Where I always wanted to be. Something I had always wanted to feel – home, alive, 100% human. I heard the song of my soul. It wasn’t the first time I had heard it but this time I knew what it was. And nothing had matched that. Nothing could.   And through listening to the Earth I had this vision that the Earth would be reborn through the human heart. That vision was unquestionable, something I knew I had to follow, to do what I could to make it happen.
So I left behind my life as a musician, rebel, cynic, thanks also to the support of a wonderful mentor and joined humanity whole heartedly, got on board. Listened to my former enemies, decided to see where true love would take me. From being an astrologer I knew that life was on my side because I saw that it was on the side of everyone who came into my life for a reading, whether they knew it/felt it or not. That their struggles were heroic but that there was a kindness in the changes taking place in their lives, these changes were restoring the person to their truth, reminding them of their worth, suggesting or succeeding in removing everything that held them back or that didn’t support their freedom. It was often hard for them to tell in the midst of it, but it was clear to me that this was happening. When you observe how tangible this is first hand, it completely changes things and gives you unquestionable faith in the universe. I couldn’t question the laws of love anymore.
So I made it my life. The path of love. But where this path led was far from where I expected it to, even though I thought I didn’t have any expectations. Theoretically I always knew that spirituality itself was not a solution to anything, that it was a tool for living, that it was a reorientation to our lives and to our nature, an energetic and emotional literacy and ability that gave us the power to heal ourselves and free ourselves from inherited suffering, to learn not just to be functional but to be empowered as a sensitive being in the world with integrity.  But when this path that I had so enthusiastically embraced, that gave me my health, my freedom, my independence also led me to some of the worst heart breaks of my life, I did have something of a crisis. This very path of love threw up big questions about it, and my ability to live it. The reality of going through that is confusing to say the least. How could the path of love lead me here, you cry with your hands outstretched to the heavens.
I ran out of answers and surrendered to it all. I still have no answers for that my friends. Only silence in the wake of a great deal of spiritual assumptions that don’t hold weight anymore. And have no explanations for your heart break either. Though I know it will make sense to us all in time even in ways that can never be put into words. As I said before, I know is that life is on our side.
I found myself in a place where there was only pure being, enforced surrender that I was completely ill equipped for, but that transpired to be a magical space of unexpected support and blessings. We really never know where these will come from or the absolute power of human kindness in the face of our vulnerability.
And standing as we are at the cliff top of a new year, the view stretched out before us, I also remember the treasures of this chosen path. The fact that I have had the opportunity to live, in the deepest way possible, in a way I never dreamed of. Had multidimensional adventures of a life time, and experiences that no-one would believe, so magical and miraculous they are. What if life is really the heroes journey for all of us. Is there a human exception? Of course not. I wish that we had more respect for our lives. For the uniqueness of them.Since November I have been in an inner space integrating what went down in 2015 and 2016 which were the most energetically challenging years of my life (as I know they have been for many of you too) and also possibly the most rewarding. So I am sorry for my silence to you my dear mailing list friends. I am emerging from this integration cocoon with a renewed sense of adventure and I’m looking forward to sharing new material retrieved from my inner and outer spiritual explorations with you. I will be writing more and also running some online courses and events. There are also plans for retreats in England and the USA. So far we are planning a 4 day retreat in New Mexico at the beginning of October. I will have some dates and more information for you soon!
2017 feels like a truly fresh start for us. The year when we get used to leaving behind our preconceptions, former identities and definitions and start really playing in the great current of life.I’ll meet you there….
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